Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
