There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
