The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
