is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
