upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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