i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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