I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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