Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
