we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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