my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
