White coat. Heels.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i have two assholes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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