whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
