just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
