I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
