1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
