ugly people sure do ruin things
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
