If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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