thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
