you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
