The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
