The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
