You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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