I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
