didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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