New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
