Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
