In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
operation have a gay friend backfired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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