Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
