The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
