If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
