I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
