Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
