god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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