I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
