he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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