HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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