Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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