NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
