sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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