you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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