dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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