So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
