I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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