He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
