News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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