Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
