im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
