i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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