Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Randomize
