I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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