When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
