You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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