wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
