All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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