he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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