I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
