my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
