R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
