guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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