Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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