Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
