my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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