Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You can't special order awesome
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Less talking, more tequila
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
